Mum/Dad, what is SEX?
At six years old, one of our daughters asked my wife Lizzie “What is sex?”. Unsure of what to answer, Lizzie went only as far as establishing the source of this information.
It happened that an older girl 9 years old at that time had told our daughter that “if you have sex, you’ll be taken to juvenile”. Yes, that was the exact statement. Lizzie took a small pause of only 3 months before she challenged me to contribute to the conversation. I had been quite secure in my pedestal knowing fully well that that question was definitely posed to her and not me. Besides, I reasoned, this makes for perfect girly conversation. I however knew deeply inside from everything we teach, that our daughter’s calm did not at all mean her question had been answered. I also knew that potentially she would seek the answers elsewhere and that unnerved me. I, therefore, began hunting for an opportunity to broach this subject.
God is gracious. One day while reading through a story in the old testament with my daughters, we read something to this effect; “…the virgin daughters of Jerusalem…”. A bulb was lit in my head and so I posed a question. Who is a virgin? Seeing blank faces, I went ahead to explain, a virgin is a girl who has never had sex. I paused for reactions. What I saw on both my daughter’s faces and the ensuing conversation that has carried on to date, shed more light than I can share here. A Story for another day.
Our African culture has varying views on communicating sex and sexuality to our children. A good number prefer to communicate with euphemisms especially with respect to what we’ve come to call private parts and that’s ok.
During our Kizazi Kipya sessions, I hear parents always challenging others to call genitalia by their exact name as opposed to some vague labels that don’t exist in the lexicon. When we challenge the same parents to tell us what the name of the genitals are in their language, it’s always followed by giggles, laughter, and a buzz of animated conversations. I’m yet to hear a clear word that describes genitals in our Kenyan languages without the awkwardness of mentioning it.
That there is an awkwardness, points to the fact that we all struggle with this subject in one way or another because it wasn’t culturally the norm. Admitting that it doesn’t come naturally to you is one way of easing yourself from the mental and emotional tension you might be experiencing whenever you think of broaching the subject.
The good news is, you are very normal. The software to have such conversations just doesn’t exist. It was never passed down liberally to all. You recall from the previous article that this was the preserve of designated adults. With a fast-changing cultural context, that privilege is lost.
We now have the exciting task of installing in ourselves a fresh software to serve future generations.
How then are we to communicate a subject matter that a good number of us feel awkward about?
Here are some tips for you to consider as you navigate through the conversation.
1. If you sense an inhibition or awkwardness around the subject, you are very normal. Forgive yourself. Culture just happened to you.
2. Deal with your own software viruses that exist in your head around the subject. A good starting point is to admit that it has been taboo and frankly quite warped in some instances. Also, admit that you feel ill-equipped. Finally admit that the responsibility falls squarely on you despite your feelings of inadequacy.
3. The entire basis of a good conversation thankfully is just spending copious amounts of intentional time with your child. Children naturally bubble out what’s in their hearts without you struggling to draw them out if you are available to answer all their questions. They have questions, trust me.
4. Begin with sexuality I.e. anatomy and gender difference. This works well when children are below 5 years old. Teach them the names of the body anatomy and make a point of distinguishing between the male and female gender in the process.
5.You will never go wrong in pointing back to the designer of our bodies-God himself. The design of ALL our body parts with different functions is well thought out and is a gift from God worth respecting and protecting.
6. As you describe the private body parts for the very young ones, insist that they are private and no one should see or touch them. Only permitted adults (parents and caregivers) are allowed. No one else no matter how close.
7. As they grow older say 6 years and above, they will ask the classic question “Mum/Dad what is sex”? If they do not ask you, they’ve probably asked someone else. After you establish where the information is coming from and what exactly they have heard and without panic, again stick to God’s design and explain that God designed sex for Mum and Dad to have children. Sometimes children ask questions that require only some information and that quenches their thirst until they hear something else and come to you. Be careful not to overwhelm them with knowledge
8. You may want to pivot the conversation towards observing animals or insects or even plants. Animals mating is a perfect opportunity to educate the children using biological terminology like mating, seed transfer, ovary and all.
9. DONT gear up for a one-off conversation. It doesn’t work. Use numerous opportunities at your disposal to revisit the conversation. Conversation triggers as the children get older could be media I.e. TV, billboards and natural occurrences around us. Keep the conversations going and look very relaxed.
10. You will not go very far if you’ve not done 1, 2 and 3 above. In addition, getting in touch with trusted friends or institutions that teach life skills can also help in delivering the message. It takes a Kijiji (‘village’) remember. Be careful though that you know and approve of the exact information your child might receive.
Please share with one friend and one family member to ensure we build our Kijiji together. We welcome your comments and stories on this subject as we forge together.
Watch out for upcoming events that Badili Experience will roll out soon.
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver Proverbs 25:11
Steve and Lizzie Kiteto are the Founders of Badili Experience Limited and Kizazi Kipya-the parenting Adventure program. You can reach them at kiteto@badiliexperience.com and Lizzie@badiliexperience.com.